5 signs a Kiwi Summer is almost here...

Danimal, The Boilup
14/10/2017


It feels like this is the winter that went forever, so we’re all wondering “when will summer start?” Yes, you can look at the calendar but seriously, how accurate has that ever been? Here are the 5 signs that a classic kiwi summer is almost upon us. Once you've experienced all 5, we can almost guarantee it'll be time to dust off your Speedos:


  1. You start smelling wafts of that sunblock smell when hanging out with your ginger friends. Some say that in ancient times their extra sensitive skin was used as an indicator beacon for the seasons, white meant winter, red meant summer. When the village ginger would start turning red, locals would start preparing their horses for contracting season.
  2. You start waking up before your alarm and find it really weird how easy it is to get out of bed. You put it down to the new diet and extra pre-summer exercise but in reality, it's probably only because it's warmer and lighter in the morning and that Tui out the window is a noisy little fucker.
  3. It starts to feel like you spend all your time mowing the lawn but on the bright side the beers afterwards are going down an absolute treat, “have they got a new recipe?” you think to yourself; after the 3rd one “damn that lawn is looking good"; after the 4th “crap I'm almost pissed and by myself, better invite the boys over for a bbq so I don't feel like an alcoholic”.
  4. You feel that orgasmic feeling of pure sun on your skin while having a coffee on the deck. You unzip the legs of your Canterbury pants, the feeling is sensational. You take a quick glance around - sweet, no one’s looking, you take off your shirt to reveal a pale white torso, “wow, have I always had that much body pubes?” you think to yourself as you look down toward the hairy abandoned fetal feeding hole in your stomach. You close your eyes, wondering how your body got like this in just one winter and just as you reach the point of maximum sun immersed pleasure, a cloud rolls over to cover the sun, fuck!
  5. Text messages start rolling in, you thought texts had become a thing of the past but it turns out some of your mates (who haven't got a grasp of social media) need more people to make their BBQ a success. There’s the guys wanting you to go for a ski at the lake, the group needing extra numbers for twilight golf, “OMG” you think to yourself, “that text notification sound is annoying, better change it to a ‘tick’ or a ‘water drop’ or something”... Just when you think you’ve reached the point of feeling like the most popular guy in town, you get a message from some chick you haven't seen or heard from in 6 months, obviously, she’s put on some summer clothes and is feeling sexy again, “what does she think I am? Some kind of cheap prostitute?”, you make her work for it, mainly because you need more time to manscape but also because you’re a man of moral!


It’s at this point after ticking all 5 of these boxes, I can guarantee you’ll wake up the next day and it will officially be summer... Enjoy Responsibly.